Meaning of the name "Kellen"

(Variations: Kaelan, Keelan, Keilan, Keillan, Kelan, Kelden, Kellan, Kelle and Kellin.)

A unisex name, uncommon as a first name, more common as a surname.

Said to be Gaelic for "Slender" "Slim" "Fit" "Descendant of the Brightheaded one" "Powerful" "Mighty Warrior"

Old German "Swamp"

The last two are who we truly are, what the name "Kellen" stands for, and how our fate will be written in the stars. Both a life of war, and a cesspool of shit.

Strong, proud, fierce, full of whit.

No fancy spires of gold, nor gleaming towers of ivory.

The willows our friends, the mosquitoes our livery.

Nothing of beauty will bolster our pride, no medals pinned to our scarred hide.

Just filth, and sorrow, pain till the 'morrow.

With our chin held high and sword clenched tightly.

Trudging the bog alone, shivering to bed nightly.

You want to know the true meaning of my name?

I am Kellen, AND WE DIE HARD!

"Reverse Natural Selection as shown by Christmas Trees: A (NOT AT ALL) scientific paper by Kellen Riley."

Think back to your childhood X-mas's (or to use the ancient spelling Christmas), think of the tree, perfectly symmetrical, gleaming brightly with tinsel, ornaments, lights, candy canes, bells, whistles, an evergreen testament to mans (or at least our dad's) ability to select the perfect tree, and fell it in it's prime to act as an umbrella for the truckloads of loot Santa's jolly red ass is gonna haul down the chimney. Even if you ended up with 15 pairs of new socks, and no Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time (that exact gun doesn't exist btw :( you were still the happiest kid in that split moment before the living room became a maelstrom of wrapping paper, tape, and packing peanuts. And at the center of it all (physically if not spiritually) was that perfect X-mas tree... Oh and your family of course... yea they're kinda important I guess.

Some reading this may not celebrate X-mas, or any facsimile there of. So you probably have no idea what I'm rambling about. All I can say is "sorry", but who says you need to celebrate anything to go wandering around a tree lot for a couple hours?

But I digress, this particular essay is in regards to that perfect tree of yore, and the sad state of... "Fullness" and "Symmetry" in the current stock of trees. A trend that I couldn't help but notice last weekend during a semi sleep deprived search for that "Perfect X-Mas Tree." All the trees seemed sub par when compared to the picture in my head of what the ideal X-mas tree should look like. Too short, too tall, too fat, not fat enough, too crooked, janky tops, abstract bottoms, and every one missing large patches in random places, not unlike my current dating situation.

Is it that, when looking back with wistful memories on a childhood (good or otherwise) we view these happy moments as much better than they were? Was it careful and strategic placing of those key ornaments, draping of tinsel, a well built corner, and a sturdy tree stand that engineered the poky sweet smelling ideal of what a great X-mas tree should look like? Could the media have hammered into our minds that "Norman Rockwell" dream of a white X-mas, mom in her 'Kerchief and pa in his Cap? (I freely admit I have no idea what those are.)

Or is there something grander, something more insidious taking place here. I put forth to you the reader that X-mas trees are not in sorry condition because of the above reasons, but because of human impact on the actual biology and 'evolution' of X-mas trees.

That's right, "Natural Selection."

This is by no means a new notion. There have actually been quite a few papers published on how hunting affects natural selection. The base idea is the same, if hunting a Deer, Bear, T-Rex, Human, or perfect X-mas tree, we go for the best. In nature, the strongest survive and spread their genes. The weaker, slower, yadda yadda yadda become dinner. With hunting however, we prize the biggest, strongest, most dangerous, tastiest (mmmm... Rhino steaks) and thus, the weaker are left to propagate. Things don't grow as big, as strong, as fast, as tasty (a gas station rib sandwich compared to the McReal thing {side note, I'm soooo getting sued over that}).

And this Finlay brings me to my ambiguous and impossible to prove Hypothesis: Hundreds of years of taking the best and biggest X-mas trees have caused the weaker, more lopsided, patchy, not as tasty, fugly trees to flourish. Perhaps its the pain of hearing their brethren being chopped down has twisted them into anguished rooted monuments. As to if Trees feel pain/Scream, according to my half-ass ed search of the Internet; The Jury is still out on this one. Or maybe its a simple matter of knowing that the more symmetrical, full, and healthy you look, the greater the chance you'll be chopped down.

Or maybe as you (we're talking about people this time) age, you loose your zest for that ideal X-mas. The fake snow coated windows, cheaply made big wheel, the fake TV fireplace. You start seeing frivolity in camp-mas. Getting that Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time, becomes less of an obsession, then a want, then something that you just can't "use" anymore. Having the perfect tree is no longer as important as having people to share it with. And you start to realize, these ugly looking trees, Charlie-Brown-esq. in their appearance maybe, just need a little love. That love gets shared with others, and low and behold, the reverse natural selection of the X-mas tree may not be such a bad thing after all, if it drives us to "Honour Christmas in [our] hearts, and try to keep it all year." -Dickens "A Christmas Carol"

A merry x-mas to all, and to all... Give me my frigg'n bb gun!

"HOLY CRIP HE'S A CRAPPLE!" -Peter Griffin

Wow! 2 fans! YAY! Thank you gals! I'm amazed anyone even wants to read this old crap. Buuuuuuut it is interesting going back and read how much life has changed since that first blog post almost half a decade ago. Warning to the two people who are following this blog, the next post is going to be very, very, very long. Its a collection of stuff I wrote about growing up in Cayucos that I just threw into one giant post.

Viva ex purgatorium!

The Death of Captain America (a eulogy)

(Originaly posted April 26, 2007)

[For those of you non-comic types (or those of you who have been on mars the last 6 months, in a cave, under a rock, with your eyes shut and your fingers in your ears), this will come as a shock.]

Captain America, the name conjures up images of a simpler time. A time when our nation was united againts a common, tangable enemy. We knew we were on the side of right, and the Nazis, Communists, Imperial Japan, whomever we were at war with, was the embodyment of evil. Superman was the son of Krypton, Namor (or Aquaman, whomever you like better) the son of Atlantis, but Captain America was the son of America. Our only begoten offspring that stood for everything we strive to be. Generous, yet stallwart, caring, yet strong, able to over come any obstical in his way, without sacrificing his morals.

Yet as our nation changed, Captain America struggled to remain the same. He was literaly a relic from another time, a weapon that had out lived its usefulness. By the time the 70's and 80's rolled around, he had been "replaced" by much flashier heroes such as the X-Men, and Spiderman. Heroes who were looked upon as more "human" . Not because they physicaly were, but because they had problems, issues in their life.

By the time of the events of Civil War, the Cap had become a much darker, almost down trodden hero. No longer fully trusting the nation he served, or the people he worked for. Many would, and still do, argue about who was in the right. But for Cap, the choice was clear, continue following a system he no longer believed in, or take a stand for what he knew in his heart to be the just cause.

However, by the time the cataclysmic battle in New York was fought, every hero had become so polarized that they no longer rememberd why they were fighting in the first place, to protect us. In the end, the true heroes were the people of the city, who managed to restrain Captain America, and show him what the true cost of this war was. Once he took the time to glimps the ruins of the city that both sides had devistated, he did the right thing and surrenderd. In his own words "We were winning everything, except the argument." He surrenderd to police, not as Captain America, but as Steve Rogers.

On the way to his arraignment, Steve Rogers was gunned down in cold blood on the steps of the Federal Court House in New York. For over 60 years, more than any other hero, Captain America stood for the nation we all strive to be. Though it was said by Ben Parker, it was lived to its fullest I believe by Steve Rogers: "With great power, comes great responsability."

Captain America (1941-2007)

The end (an old ending that I probably will never use)

(Originaly posted Jan 29, 2007)

I came up with a great ending to my "project", now I only need to fill the middle.

Last Thursday I walked out to the end of the pier in Cayucos. I watched the sun sink into the pacific, and turn a cloudless blue sky purple as the first stars blinked on. I watched the water burn with a golden fire that made me think I was sitting in heaven hearing a choir of angles singing. It reminded me of driving across the plains of Kansas and marveling at a thunderstorm rolling over the endless seas of grass, like some great heard of mustangs running wild across the prairie. Or of sitting with my back against the sandstone in Utah, watching the sun rise up and bathe the desert in a warm orange glow. Of trekking with my father up some unnamed peak on the southern slopes of the Sierra Nevada, breathing in the coldest, freshest air that's ever filled my lungs. Or wading out in the warm waters off Hawaii, petting a sea turtle as it swam around my feet wondering what this strange creature was that just entered its world. But most of all it made me think of all the times I've loved someone and just never said anything, and it made me wonder why in the hell I never told them.

I'd like to tell you that I got the girl in the end, or that I drove off into the sunset, that I found a cure for cancer, or that I preformed CPR and saved someone's life. I'd like to tell you that, but that shit just isn't the case. Truth is I'm the same man I've always been, and probably always will be. But I'm all right with that.

And so, after 25 years, I'm still in this same hole-in-the-wall county, down and out. In high school the guidance counselor asked me the same question that everyone gets asked "what do you want to do?" I never had an answer, well at least not one that fit into the box of "I want to be a doctor." Or "I want to be a teacher." Or "I want to work on cars." My answer was, and still is "I want to create." It took me 7 years to realize exactly what I wanted to create, not some priceless piece of artwork, or the great American novel, or an academy award-winning movie. Only something that someone whom I've never even met will read, will experience and maybe it will change them. It will make them feel something that, until that moment, they've never felt before.


For whatever reason, after thinking all of that, I thought of home. Not of the house on Hacienda that I grew up in, or of the apartment in Morro Bay that was my first expedition into being out on my own. Or even of the futon I currently lay my weary head down on at the end of the day. I realized that none of these places I could call home, that home wasn't built of brick and mortar, but of flesh and blood. That it's a place that I carry with me in my heart. A place I can look back on with fond memories, enjoy while I'm in the moment, and look forward to as I move into the uncharted lands of the future.

The End.

Dedicated to (in no particular order): Dave's musical talent, Frazier's oddly magnetic apathy, Annie's unconquerable spirit, Brieatle for being Brie, Josh's loyalty, Greg's resourcefulness, Lisa's ability to make me feel better, Amanda's AFI collection, Ernie's tenacity, Dan and Kari who make me believe that marriage can work, Whipple's outgoingness, Coy's steadfastness, Rochelle's laughter, Kat's smile, Nate's…. well being Nate is the only way I can describe it, Cecily's just good nature, Kasady's argumentivness, Katie and Ian who have the strangest fights I've ever heard of, Konner who gets picked on way too much, Dan's ability to drink like a fish, Kyle for putting up w/ my smelly ass during OGN, Annie because Burritos do equal Happiness, Sara up north who I still can't figure out, Sara down south for letting me crash at her house after many a senseless trip down there, Hank I hope things are work'n out up north, Lacy and her goal of "getting me laid", Frankie cause he has the cooooooolest tattoo I've ever seen, Hannah who wants ketchup on her hash browns? Best wishes to Adam and the fam, Mikayla stay warm way up there, All the Kinney's, Kendra's kindness, Tom and Julie who pretty much shaped me spiritually, Marcus and Astor the two coolest kids in school, Gebiva god knows why she would willingly move to Cambria, my Grandma Glenda who shaped the hippie in me, my Grandpa Wayne who shaped the badass in me, my Grandpa Gene and Grandma Ruth who taught me everything I ever needed to know about life (I miss you guys soooooo much), Rebecca's just magnetic personality, Jennie and the advice she gave me at in-n-out, Royce who could kick my ass at BF2142 any day of the week, Jamen and Jodie who made the campground the Rock'n-est kiosk on the planet, Kyle and Christa (check out their band Fly40, or I'll hunt you down like the dog you are!), O.S.L. (check that band out too, same threat applies), Jeff and Laura two of the best softball players on the planet, My parents who I never appreciated growing up and I'm sorry for that, and 1:53am for being waaaaaay to late to try and write a blog. (Sorry if I left anyone out or misspelled your name, but that just means that you are a horrible friend and have to work harder, MUAHAHAHAHA:)

Private Eye

("My day as a 1950's private eye" would have been better if the ending wasn't deleted by stupid early myspace. Originaly posted Dec. 11, 2005)

The horrid buzzing of my alarm clock reverberated in my skull like a gorrilla playing drums in a jazz band with a sledge hammer. At once I was no longer on the beach in bermuda with a dozen super models, but back in the tiny one room apartment I calle home.

The sun filterd thru the blinds hitting me square in the face. I could tell it was already late in the day. That demon of an alarm clock told me that it was 11:00 already. "alright, time ta drag yer ass outa bed. The bills ain't gonna pay themselves." I thought as I half crawled, half rolled out of bed and onto the floor. The shower was frigid, just the way I likes it, gets the blood flowing.

I threw on my uniform and did a quick glance into the fridge. I hoped some miracle had happend last night and food magicaly appeard in it. No such luck, figures...

Dave and Matt were in the living room talking about things that I wouldn't give a rats ass to know about. Matt was an honest cop in a bad town. Guy never took a dirty cent, that made some of the other guys on the force a little nervous, but I knew he ain't no squeeler. Dave on the other hand had his fingers in so many pies in this town you'd wonder how he ever managed to wash up at night. (ok, Matt and Dave's description was totaly a lie, but it sounded cool!)

They didn't pay much notice to a boozed out P.I. like me, just an acknowledging nod. I stumbled down the steps and out the door. The sun instantly blinded me, I swear sometimes I think that thing is try'n ta kill me. After a second I could see again... and the sight I saw made me wish I had still been blind. there I was stairing down the working end of a colt .45. The hammer cocked back.... and today started off so well....

TO BE CONTINUED....

Part 2 (see above)

(Part 2, Originaly posted Dec. 15, 2005)

Ok, so this F&$'G NO GOOD BRAINLESS DICKLESS HARTLESS HOPLESS PIECE OF MONKEY S^$& DELL BUILT EXCUSE FOR A COMPUTER DELETED MY ORIGINAL BLOG. So I'm just gonna conclude this sucka how I see fit

I grabbed the gun and shot the guy (Who for time constrainsts shall remain un identified) and he stumbled out into the street and shot 2 people, and they shot 2 people, and they shot 2 people, and so on, and so on, and so on, and so on, and so on. Till eventualy every body died. The end.

I'm like not even kidding, this is the end.

there isn't anymore story, no "To be continued" or "See you next time" or "thanks for the bullocks"....... there is nothing left to this tale of intruige and.... um.... stuff.

"That's all folks" would be the only apropriate thing to say right now.

That and maybe "I'm seeing a different blog reader base, and I think we should call it quits before one of us gets hurt."

FREAKING GO HOME ALREADY, OR I'M CALLING THE COPS!

Abandon

(One of my darker poems, looking back, things weren't so bad then.... Originaly posted Oct. 24, 2005)

What do you do when the life raft of faith starts to sink into the dark cold abyss of the world?

When no land is in sight?

When the salvation of a rescue ship, of a friendly hand to lift you out of the black is but a fleeting dream?

When the storm clouds are so thick that you haven't seen light in months?

When the sharks circle, the gulls peck, and all plans to survive have been dashed on jagged rocks of hoplesness?

When you cry out to God for the blood so you don't die of thirst?

When you beg for the body so you don't starve?

And recieve only the howling wind as a response.

Just why did I abandon ship in the first place?

All Q's and no A's

(Originaly posted Oct. 23, 2005)

Smartest questions ever asked:

1) Is there a fourth of July in England?

2)How many birthdays does the average man have?

4) How many outs in an inning?

5) Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widows sister?

6) Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. what is the answer?

7) If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?

8) A doctor gives you 3 pills telling you to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last?

9) A farmer has 17 sheep and all but 9 die. How many are left?

10) How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

11) How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?

And one more for extra credit: Three room mates decided to order a pizza. So they called up a pizza place and orderd an extra large pizza. When it arrived the total was $30. Each room mate chipped in $10. When the delivery driver got back to the pizza joint his boss said "we charged them too much, take $5 back". On the way back the delivery driver said "those guys never did tip me, I'm gonna keep $2 and only give them $1 each back." That means that the room mates ended up paying only $9 each for the pizza. Now if there's 3 room mates and 3x9=27, and the driver kept $2, and 2 27=29, then where did the extra dollar go?

"Because I'm tired of the world and the world is evidentally tired of me."

"Because it's all logic and reason now. Science, progress, laws of hydraulics, laws of social dynamics, laws of this, that, and the other. No place for three-legged cyclops in the South Seas. No place for cucumber trees and oceans of wine. No place for me." -Hieronymus Karl Frederick Baron von Munchausen (yea, thats his real name)

Originaly posted numerous times...

Wizard of Oz: "As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable."
Tin Woodsman: "But I still want one."

C'mon, the original Data, or IRobot, or 2001, a creature that is not human (anymore) but wants emotions. Still a great line.

This one was a trip... What my life might have been...

(Originaly Posted July 18, 2005.... Crazy how much can change in 4 years...)

Almost forgot, I get to test for the position of Dispatcher/Clerk on the 26th!!! I'm totaly stoked about this! I mean not just cause it pays $3100.00 a month, but also because I get to work on the hilltop! Oh and full medical and partial dental are nice too :)

First post on myspace blog, wow.... Almost half a decade ago...

(Originaly posted July 18, 2005!)

7:07 p.m. PST, And I'm stuck in the office again on another special event. These rich people just drink and party and don't even give a hoot about just how many people have to be trapped at work till 1 a.m.!!!! So what though, I'm getting paid well enough, just not well enough to deal with their b.s.! If this isn't bad enough, my trucks U Joints broke apart on my way in this afternoon, one more freaking thing I have to pay to get fixed. Sometimes I feel like someone up there is reaaaaaaly testing me! Good news though, at the end of the month I get to go to Spirit West Coast, and I finaly will get to work a 9 to 5 job, instead of a 4 to 1 am job. Hmmm.... wonder if there's gonna be another ARG involving a bungie game anytime soon.....

A new blog, yay...

Ok, so here's the score, nobody is on Myspace anymore, and all my stuff is on it. Facebook dosen't have a blog function, sooooo... Everything I've ever written on Myspace is going to be posted to this site.